At some point the calls from friends stop. Maybe they don’t completely stop, but they become fewer and fewer until you notice it. I think it happens to many of us as we get older. Why? I’m not sure.
Life happens. People get busy. We get busy. But I also think we prioritize wrong. People today would rather scroll for two hours than call someone for twenty minutes. Maybe because scrolling is safe. It’s within your control. You decide what you see, how long you stay and when you leave. A phone call isn’t really like that.
And when the calls stop you start wondering why. Did I do something? Did we grow apart? Do they not care anymore? Why am I always the one calling? I think it’s easy to spend a lot of time there, trying to understand why people aren’t calling anymore.
But when you stop worrying about why no one is calling, something changes. You start setting yourself free. You start opening doors you maybe never otherwise would have opened. Maybe because now finally no one is judging you? Hmm. I’m not sure.
I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s almost the same as finding an audience for your work.
When you’re young you have a natural pool of people around you. School in its various forms gives you that. You have friends, classmates, people you see every day. You don’t really have to go out and find an audience because there is already one around you. People see what you’re doing. They see what you’re interested in. They see you change.
Later in life it’s harder to find that new audience that’s captivated by your work, or even just interested in the things you’re interested in. I’m not sure exactly how that’s related to the calls stopping, but it feels like it lives in the same place.
What’s the path through that?
Various groups online? A run club? Do you talk to strangers at a bar? How do you find the audience for where you are today?
I think one of my own struggles was not feeling understood by my peers. But when I think about it now, that makes sense. My peers and my interests didn’t necessarily align anymore.
I got more curious.
My interests changed, but I never really sought out new peers based on those interests changing. I think I just expected the people already around me to somehow continue being my people. Maybe that’s where I got it wrong.
When we’re young we don’t really have to think about any of this. People are constantly put in front of us. School does it. Work does it. Friends introduce us to other friends. There is a natural pool to choose from.
But as we get older that pool gets smaller while, strangely, our interests might actually get bigger.
So what do we do now?
Maybe that’s the mystery I’m trying to solve. Not why the phone stopped ringing, but what you’re supposed to do when it does.
How do you find your people now?
Maybe you have to start looking for them.
-cb