When was the last time you asked yourself why you are who you are? When did you journey within yourself last, to check in about what your heart desires. Do you care? Perhaps today’s society prevents us from truly caring about what matters to us.
We are too busy with chores and musts, kids to school, social media. We put ourselves in situations that forces us to compromise on our own truth, and perhaps mostly our wants and or needs.
If we can manage to stop ourselves in our own tracks and reset we will find ourselves in a place where we can authentically be ourselves. Imagining being able to join that cooking course you always dreamed about while also being a mom or dad as well. Same with the musts we don’t feel like doing right now. Don’t want to work in the yard? Don’t do it.
Now I may have lost a few of you and some others may consider this mindset lofty or even a bit too out there. Bear with me folks. This is still about you, and partly about myself as I am asking me and you these questions. Statements? Either way, they deserve its own light to be pondered upon.
Context. Growing up I was raised in an environment where we need to do things and be certain people that society needs us to be. Perhaps that’s the Swedish way and in the time I was raised in, but one thing about myself is that I always do things to one hundred percent, more if I could.
If I can’t be the best I don’t want to do it. That was my youth. The best at sports. The best at school. The best bla bla bla. So clearly I wanted to be the best “person society told me to be”, Until I woke up.
The beauty of hitting your head really damn hard, so hard that you see stars for years, yup THAT hard, helped me wake up. I had to rewire my own brain in ways I never knew I needed to do in order to overcome surviving a normal day. When I was diagnosed with my TBI, traumatic brain injury, it all started to make sense but prior to knowing what was wrong, I struggled to do simple things such as putting on my socks in the morning. Life got very hard and I felt as I had no one to truly communicate this with. So I did what I thought was best for me, withdraw from society and anything that would make my TBI worse. Bright lights, big crowds, people in general.
Being stuck in this state for months and years made me truly ponder about why I am here. What is my damn purpose and what is truly important, to me. Perhaps it was the isolation in Montana and nature that helped free myself from the burden that was my old way of thinking or perhaps it was the mushroom journey I went on in Joshua Tree, whatever unlocked that next level, for you video gamers out there, of brain power helped me see what I never saw before and to me, it changed everything.
Why are you here was no longer an issue. I know why I am here. I know what my purpose is. I know where I want to go in life and the best part? I am doing it. I am taking action every day to become the person I dream of. I chase weird and strange dreams but that is ok. I learned the hard way that whatever you dream of, is ok. Do you amigo.
Fear from the past.
However, while it sounds simple as I write it in this journal, it was anything but simple. I struggled with what was etched into my mind from my youth on what society tells us is a good human vs the human I wanted to become. Days, weeks and months have been spent working through these thoughts in my lonesomeness of the American west. It was me and Freyja and now it is me, Freyja and Frigg. We are family and have a beautiful path ahead of us following dreams, exploring new places and always waking up being excited for the adventure that is life.
I will leave this journal now, because it is an ever evolving thought and I am by no means done just yet. This thought right here is a daily reminder within myself to always be grateful for my past and the experiences I have been through, yes even those dark days. My reminder to look at life glass half full and never stop exploring. Myself and the depths of other humans… plus adventures.
We are only here for a short amount of time, no need to make that time harder than it has to be.
Thankful for those who are joining me on my journey back.
-cb